Fearfully and Wonderfully Made!

Good Morning!  I am running on a few hours of sleep today, partly because I am a mom with a lot to do and partly because of this blog post.  I will warn you it will have a faith based undertone, heck and overtone so if that’s not your thing you may want to stop reading here.  But, I wish you wouldn’t.  I am not trying to ruffle feathers or offend or brow beat anyone in to believing what I believe.  But, it is what I believe.  And, it plays a major role in how I live my life and the choices I make for me and my family.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalms 139:13-14
“Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters.  Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits of all he created.”
James 1: 16-18
Our bedtime routine is pretty simple.  Shower, jammies, tooth brush, melatonin, prayer and scripture verse.  I have a scripture verse for each one of my children. For Roo I have two πŸ™‚ I want him to hear what I believe and in time it is my prayer that he will believe it also.  Not because I said so, or because that is what he is supposed to do, but because he truly believes it in the very fiber of his being.
Roo is bright and extremely smart. He doesn’t get alot of social things, but he gets that he’s different.  He knows that because 7 year olds are cruel or honest; take your pick.  He knows that the others kids don’t cover their ears and scream over loud noises.  He knows that his meltdowns, while out of his control, are not normal.  He knows.  He knows that when the adults at church say we should pray and ask God to take away his Autism like its some kid of disease or affliction, that he’s different!
But different is good, isn’t it?  I tell him all the time, God does not make junk!  I read both these scripture verses to him and I tell him that he is fearfully and wonderfully made, that he is God’s gift to me and that makes him good and perfect.  I sit back in amazement that God trusted me with three of his beloveds.  He trusts me to raise them and teach them, and I hope I do that in a way that honors Him.  But, when I look at Roo I see a truly precious gift, and I am even more amazed that he trusted me with this one, this one who is special.  This one who can and will do great things if guided correctly.  His autism is not something that should be prayed away like a disease.  He does not have cancer or the flu.  He is NOT cancer.  He is NOT Flu.  He IS Autistic!  And all that means is that the connections in his brain are different, not good or bad, not worse or better, just different. 
I have worried and prayed because of the way he thinks and how he see’s things.  My fear is that because faith can be illogical that he won’t get it.  But I met a new friend last night on an Autism Bloggers board, Kasey Smith, who has renewed my hope that in time Roo can find his own faith.  Kasey has given me permission to share this with you and I am so glad he did.  I believe that Kasey was an answer to many nights of prayers.  Years worth!  Kasey is an Autistic adult who has a strong faith in God!  Strong enough to be bold and call out some friends who are making him uncomfortable.  Strong enough to declare his faith to the whole world, to anyone who will listen.  To be a facebook evangelist, his words πŸ™‚ We talked for awhile last night and he literally spoke my prayers back to me.  An answer from heaven πŸ™‚ 
It is easy to get caught up in the mundane aspects of life. To be tied down by the things that haunt us.  For me I have a tendency to get so caught up in what is wrong that I forget to look for what is right.  I think that it is that way for most people.  Maybe not, I don’t know.  I sometimes forget to let go and let God!  After all, I am Roo’s safe place.  I have to do everything in my power to make sure he feels safe and protected.  In doing so, do I focus on the negative aspects of Autism?  Sometimes.  Do I forget to look at my son and see that he is fearfully and wonderfully made?   Sometimes.  And yet I expect others to look at him and see that he is! 
My son is fearfully and wonderfully made, he is a good and perfect gift from above, I believe your child is too! 

He doesn’t look Autistic!


One of my favorite quotes is “If you have met one person with Autism, then you have met one person with Autism.”  This spectrum our kids reside on is broad and for every spot on the spectrum there are difference’s to how their little minds work.  When you say “Autism” to someone their minds immediately goes to the far side of the spectrum, to kids who have been personified on TV and movies!  So when they see a kid like my Roo, they say things like “He doesn’t look Autistic!”

Very often you can look at someone and see that there is something different about them, but it doesn’t always work that way with Autism.  Their is no autistic look.  You don’t look at someone and go “Oh, yeah!   Their definitely autistic!”  You might be able to with down syndrome for example.  But not “our” kids! 

Depending on where your kid lands on the spectrum you might get a different response from the outside world!  And depending on where they are on the spectrum you might react differently yourself.  In the early stages of diagnosis, our initial reaction was how do we fix this?  How do we make it go away? In my research to help my son come to his full potential, I have heard the term “cure” thrown around.  We researched and read and cried and came to the realization that there is no fixing this.  To fix this we would have to take away the very essence of who our son is, and that is not an option.  I love the quirkiness that is my son.  True, there are moments that I would love to eradicate, but in order to do that I have to eradicate him and that is something I am not willing to do. 

I might feel different, if my son could not speak, if he was “lost” in a world I had no access to, if he was forever 3, if he poop smeared still, if we were over run with expensive medical bills and appointments and therapies and every one around was telling us this is it,  it will never be more than this.  If I had to worry what kind of life he was going to have after me, what would happen to him when I die, who will love him like i do?  If I had to lay awake in bed at night thinking all these things I might want to cure him, Maybe? 

But for us Autism means…
…that he’s a little quirky … that he knows way more than any 7 yr old should know about cartography and dinosaurs … that he CANNOT have seams in his socks … that his jeans cant be too stiff … that life has to work in a certain order … that the grocery store is overwhelming because theirs too many aisles, a loud speaker intercom, they spray smells in the isles for advertising and there are too many people … he can’t process milk protein without turning into baby jack jack from the incredibles … that certain tones send him spiraling out of control … that black and red are the only peaceful colors in the crayon box … that looking into people eyes hurts … that math comes before reading, ALWAYS … that we only need 2 or 3 hours of sleep … that we have to have his fleece blanket … that he doesn’t get his actions bother you or upset you or even if they hurt you … that there is no such thing as personal space … that he might laugh when you hurt or sad … that he doesn’t get the jokes … that the bus is too much and so is PE and recess … that even when he says he wants Lego’s all he really wants in the little men … that when he is frustrated that translates to angry … that he doesn’t feel pain or respond to it the way other kids do, if even at all … that he’s afraid of nothing and everything … that when he does let you in, he will never let you go … that he has to finish what ever it is he is doing or saying … that you don’t need friends when you have a Shermie Dog … that going out to eat will make us feel like fish in a bowl … that people stare a little longer than necessary … that the dinosaurs are lined up by type … that riding a bike (which we can finally do YAY!!!) or tying our shoes is near impossible … the list goes on

Sometimes you see a kid who needs disciplined, a brat!  If you would look again you might see a kid whose out of his comfort zone and maybe frightened that things won’t fix themselves.  You might noticed that the world is to loud and chaotic for him.  You might see a kid whose crayon box holds a whole different set of colors, who colors the world in colors all his own.  A kid who walks to a beat all his own. Honestly, I’m glad when you look at my son you don’t see Autistic, it just saddens me that you don’t the beauty and awe that is my precious little Roo.   


I am NOT a doctor, but….

I am NOT a doctor, a psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist, or any other kind of ist.  I have not gone to college or formal training of any kind to be qualified to diagnose anyone, but ….

I have raised for the last seven years a little man on the spectrum and I believe deeply in my heart from all that experience that the little apple my son is doesn’t fall very far from the Daddy tree!

Uggh!  Why is that so terrible?  Why does that denote an Uggh?  Cause I’m tired!  I already have to try and figure out what sensory issue is causing my Roo to fall off the deep end, and now, now that I have decided in my pretty little head that his Daddy is too, I now have to be understanding and compassionate and try to figure out what sensory issue is causing my husband go of the deep end!!!

My dear and wonderful obnoxious, obsessive husband likes things to be the way they are.  Why do something different when we have always done this.  He is a risk taker and if he’s not living on the edge of something he is majorly depressed about it.  We can’t throw anything, anything away. And, the man can’t stand still ever, he rocks constantly when he’s standing or paces back and forth and if sitting or lying in bed that big toe of his just twitches till no end.
He is not a fan of people and avoids them at all cost, we don’t have people over and if someone does happen to stop by then it’s why are they here again, they are here way to much.  Yeah, well it’s been a month buddy!  He is hyper sensitive to smells and can smell when people are sick.  Which is just weird, but he’s always right 😦  He doesn’t have any friends to speak of, conversations are usually one sided and well other people just don’t like that. 
He’s so smart!  Ridiculously smart!  Once you get his sense of humor he’s pretty funny as well.  He gets things faster than people and is extremely frustrated by those who don’t get it too!  He gets frustrated easily when doing things that require the use of fine motor skills.  Oh, there’s more but my head hurts and I can’t think of it anymore!
I am not whinning or complaining, ok maybe just a little!  I love my husband, Asperger’s or not, and all!  And i will do whatever I have to do to make our lives the best they can be, because that’s what you do when you love someone. 

A little bit about us

This is my first blog post.  I can’t promise it’s the first of many nor that it will not be my last.  The whole point of this blog is for me to get things out, because reality is that I have no where else to get them out at the moment.  

I live in a small rural farm town in Southwest Missouri.  I have been married to the love of my life, best friend and sometimes arch nemesis for almost 14 years.  We have three beautiful, rambuncious children.  My oldest is J, my middle one is Roo and the baby is Sissy Lou.  We also have another baby (often referred to as my third son) Sherman.  Sherman is a full blooded White Boxer and is Roo’s best bud and partner in crime.

Two years ago, our Roo, was diagnosed with High functioning Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome.   While it has taken awhile for my husband to come around to the diagnosis, we are finally on the same page and doing everything we can to raise a happy, healthy little boy.  Our goal is not to take away or change his Autism but to make sure he lives his life to the fullest and teach him how to manage his differences. 

What about me, Hmmm… Well I am to say the very least a little complicated πŸ™‚ I think my friends would say that I’m onry, honest, and loyal. – a tad bit sarcstic πŸ™‚ and always passionate ( Ok, they might use the word dramatic, but in my defensive it’s just that I love with my whole heart and jump in feet first :/ ) At this point, my oldest would say I’m mean and my youngest says I’m silly and my Roo, my Roo say’s I’m his safe place!  I am not always right, and sometimes go off before I have time to process a situation.  But I am not afraid to say I was wrong, and do everything I can to correct myself.

One of my favorite statements that I have heard since we started this journey is If you have met one person with Autism, then you have met one person with Autism.”  I don’t know who or where it originally came from but it has helped me tremendously.  It reminds me that my son is a beautiful and unique individual and comparing him to others either good or bad is wrong and only limits his potential.  I don’t have all the answer’s, I know what has worked for us and what’s not working for us.  Other than that, my goal for this blog is to share our experiences and hopefully give support to other’s in this process as well as get a little myself.