So very often when I write it is an overflow and outpouring of the negative thoughts and feelings that are poisoning my mind. What ifs and Oh No’s that flood your brain every day, I write to remove them. It’s my therapy. I find it hard to write anything when I feel in control, when I’m in good spirits. Unfortunately I think that has the tendency to magnify the negative aspects of Autism. I think it magnifies how it negatively affects our world. Every time I get in this mode of being more positive, I find that I have nothing to write.
I sit here trying think of something positive to write and I come up with nothing. Not that positive things don’t happen, not that my son isn’t ROCKIN’ his Autism this school year. Why? Why is it so difficult?
I think it boils down to this, for me. When I joined the Autism community three years ago I was so lost.
I had this kid, who was wonderful and loving, who I loved with all of my being, who I couldn’t understand, who did and said things that I couldn’t wrap my mind around, who had then been diagnosed with this Autism thing.
I was a failure as a parent (because good parents don’t have kids who do these things), I didn’t know what “Autism” meant and I thought it was a prison sentence. Here I have this kid and he is what he is, and my life is what it is and this is all it will ever be for him and me.
I felt isolated and alone. I felt like I was the only mom whose kid smeared his crap, yelled, screamed, kicked, punched, broke my house, threatened his classmates, and got stuck in modes. It seemed like nothing helped, nothing worked. I was scared, ashamed, and alone.
I googled Autism – don’t do that! It was awful and made my anxiety and depression even worse.
I typed Autism into the FB search bar and the first page that popped up was Home style Mama (with a side of Autism). I looked at the pictures of her kids and I read her whole page; every post, every comment. I then searched Asperger’s and I found Confessions of an Asperger’s Mom. Her boys were older than mine, and again I looked at the pictures of her kids and I read her whole page; every post, every comment. I then found other pages like Autism with a side of Fries, Because they Chose Us, Find my eyes, Autism Daddy, Deciphering Morgan, Autism Diaries, and so many more. What I found was something I never thought I would find after our DX. I found hope and community. I am not a terrible parent, my beautiful boy is not the only kid who does these things, I was not alone, and AUTISM IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE. I found acceptance, resources, how to help my son be who he is!
Through reading other families journeys with Autism, their ups and down’s I found my voice and most importantly I helped my son find his!
So maybe my blog is not magnifying the negative after all. Maybe someone is out there who is lost, and maybe they will stumble upon this blog and they will say hey I’m not alone, my kids does that too, there is hope. I will still strive to write about the positive steps we have taken and the great strides Roo has made in the last three years, but it’s OK to write about the not so great things too – because someone out there needs to know that they are not alone, that they are not a bad parent, and that there is hope.